Why do we disconnect ?
Its very healthy and natural to disconnect and reconnect with our partners, this is happening on a daily basis and is what allows us to be parents, employers and employees, have interests and spend time with friends, in these times we are engaging in connection with the activity we’re participating in and this is not only healthy but necessary, however there are times when we disconnect and the period of disconnection can start to become destructive to the relationship and this can happen for many different reasons, so lets explore some of the reasons why people do disconnect from partners and fail to reconnect, unfortunately I’m going to start with the “Affair” simply because it is often the elephant in the room and a good one to eliminate as the impact of not knowing can be more destructive than the disconnection itself.
The Affair
When one party has engaged in a relationship, emotionally, physically or intellectually with someone outside of the relationship although they may not have declared this connection to their partner they have created a disconnection in that relationship.
I think there are a variety of reasons why people engage in affairs, for some I think its the arrival of an overwhelming physical attraction that ignites between two people and its almost as if a primal instinct kicks in and the Adrenaline/endorphin rush created by the chase and potential capture of the desired prey becomes disproportionately alluring, this is so particularly so for men who have an in built desire to hunt.
The parties become addicted to the thrill of literally chasing and capturing their prey , its all very animalistic and more often than not based on no more than a sexual attraction.
I think there is also the meeting of minds where people meet and genuinely feel like they’ve found a kindred spirit resulting in a very strong connection that creates a bond between two people and personally I think that this bond is far more dangerous than that of the physical affair as this kind of connection doesn’t tend to subside but often grows stronger and deeper which in turn creates longer periods of disconnection in the relationship.
This relationship doesn’t necessarily have to be a physical one, for some it can develop into an incredibly close friendship but that in itself can cause a great deal of disconnection for those participating as the friendship can start to for fill the emotional needs of the participants which had previously been met by their partners and so the periods of disconnection deepen and lengthens.
I have an over whelming feeling of sadness writing this but there is the affair that is born out of loneliness within an existing relationship, people can think that being in a relationship is the cure for the isolating feeling of loneliness that you can experience as a single person but that’s not always the case, in fact you’ve probably heard the saying that there’s nowhere more lonely than a crowded room and I know that to be very true.
I myself have experienced loneliness within a relationship and the feeling of being with someone physically yet being completely alone emotionally can be a very dark and cold space to reside in.
I think in some relationships when disconnection occurs and reconnection doesn’t take place it leaves both parties incredibly lonely and isolated, within the relationship there is a deep void and for some they can learn to live with this by filling it with other distractions such as work, exercise, food, children etc but for others it can only really be satisfied with human contact and connection.
I remember feeling in the last few months of my marriage like I’d been totally deserted, the silence in the relationship was deafening , it wasn’t what was being said that was the problem but what wasn’t being said.
I needed and wanted to be connected emotionally, physically and intellectually to my partner but he actively disconnect from our relationship and clearly had no desire to reconnect.
I was so lonely in the relationship and whilst I didn’t start by desiring connection outside of the marriage in the end I was desperate for it.
He had denied my basic needs for such a long time the marriage had become irreparably broken down, I later discovered that his disconnection was intentional as he had started a relationship outside of our marriage and was looking to extricate himself from the family unit we had created together in order to pursue his connection elsewhere.
Its unlikely that your partner unless they’re seeking a permanent disconnection from you is going to be truthful about an infidelity.
They may tell you its all in your imagination and to stop being silly and maybe it is but maybe its not, if your partner is not admitting to being unfaithful then they are either not being unfaithful or they are but don’t want the infidelity to affect their relationship with you which I know sounds strange but believe me this happens all the time.
I have known a number of relationships where one partner is actively being unfaithful to their partner yet has absolutely no intention or desire to leave their marriage, its as if they de- compartmentalise their life in order to facilitate their needs regardless of how this may affect their partner.
In creating these inter life compartments it makes it entirely possible for them to live a double life for what can be years. I know of a particular couple where the husband worked away in the week living with his mistress Monday to Friday coming home at weekends to his wife and children and had the audacity to continue to live this life for some years without being caught out, for him it simply became the norm.
In some relationships, I think referred to commonly as open relationships the respective partners have an inclination that their partner has infidelities but is happy to turn a blind eye as long as the infidelity remains unspoken and unseen so its not always black and white, there really are fifty shades of grey in between but whatever the circumstances I don’t believe that having an affair outside of your marriage is healthy for any of the parties involved and for all three members of this triangle their needs are being compromised heavily and that is something that will eventually become the source of a great deal of dissatisfaction and unhappiness for all parties involved.
The Affair at work
It would be true to say that a large proportion of affairs start at work, and its not really any great surprise because after all in today’s society we spend over half of our lives at work, most of our daylight hours are spent in the workplace or working.
It’s when we’re at our brightest, most alert and most productive, the day certainly gets the best of us and therefore so do the people who we surround ourselves with in our workplace.
Yes of course there are plenty of affairs that start outside of the workplace and people meet in a variety of circumstances but why is the workplace such a breeding ground for relationships ? If I had a pound for every time I’ve heard “if he hadn’t of been for that girl or guy at work we’d still be together”
What does the workplace affair really tell us about the status of the relationship that starts within it and is your partner destined to become the proverbial lamb to be slaughtered every time he or she goes into work ?
When a disconnection has occurred in a relationship and has continued for a pre longed longed period of time it is very likely that both parties will be drawn to replace that connection in some other form, its human nature.
For some they replace warmth and kindness with their favourite foods , excitement and thrills with a motorbike or fast sport car but for some they seek to satisfy their lack of connection in the arms of another person and the workplace provides an easy opportunity to find it , especially if there are other individuals in workplace that may be also experiencing similar disconnections within their own relationships.
When we’re in disconnection we tend to be drawn to others who we may know are experiencing similar issues in their relationships, those in the same boat will naturally empathise with each other and that in itself can create a sense of connection.
Years ago when I was newly divorced I started working in an estate agents and very quickly fell head over heels in love with a guy that worked in the office, it felt exciting to be in love with someone that I would see everyday, it made the job more interesting and those sneaky kisses in the coffee room added to the excitement and attraction I was feeling for this particular person.
I was suddenly in the midst of a very addictive and passionate love affair and I can now see in hindsight that what I was then receiving and enjoying in this relationship was the passion and the excitement that I’d lost connection with in my marriage so my desire to reconnect with it was overwhelming !!
What I was clearly doing was trying to recapture the feelings that I’d lost years previously and the workplace simply served as a source of potential donors, there it was on a silver platter, easy peasy !!
The chosen one, my co creator was himself existing in a in a very boring and stale relationship and I think was too looking to recapture a feeling that had been lost or in this case I think never even discovered so we were the perfect people to satisfy each others un met needs. I appeared and all hell broke loose, we were the perfect antidote to each others desire to reconnect with the feelings of excitement and passion that we’d missed so desperately in our respective relationships.
Would I have been interested in him if I’d have met him in a bar one night, no I don’t think I would, I would say working together simply made it a convenient relationship to be in.
Years later and after much soul searching I now realise what would have been healthier and more productive would have been for me to have identified this need in myself to reconnect with these energies and worked on finding a less destructive source because as it was this relationship went on to cause me a lot of heartache as well as the loss of my job in the process.
The relationship didn’t start with desire for the person the relationship started with a desire for a feeling, the desire to reclaim a part of me that was lost and when this relationship finally came to its end I was left where I started, once again desperately craving excitement and passion.
I now see how unhealthy it was to expect that relationship to for fill such an enormous void in my life, its funny I heard or read something recently which said that your life should be your main course and your relationship your desert and I can see that totally makes sense, we can all live without pudding especially if we’re full!
So is the workplace dangerous ? Are you right to be suspicious of your partners friendships with work colleagues?
If you’re partner is secure and honest in their relationship with you and with themselves then they could be surrounded by half of the world’s most gorgeous people and they wouldn’t stray, why ? because they would be emotionally, physically and intellectually connected to their partner and therefore have no lack of connection to try and satisfy with anyone else !!
However what if you think your relationship is secure and he or she says they’re secure but you’re still don’t feel reassured enough to trust that your relationship is safe and you feel working with potentially attractive work colleagues presents an un-necessary temptation ?
If this is of concern then you need to really take some time to explore areas in your partners life or behaviour that may be out of sync with their authentic self, look at all aspects of your relationship as if in your partners shoes for example -
Are they denying or are you denying them connection to their source energy-what they need to survive and thrive ?
(This could be time with their family or friends, time enjoying hobbies or interests, physical contact, mental stimulation, fun, laughter, things that make them smile)
Marriage and relationships are like a garden that needs watering and maintenance ,you need to work at keeping out the weeds, denying yourself or your partner access to their source energy is like pouring poison into the soil and just sitting back and watching it destroy the garden, it can have a very negative impact on the relationship and potentially cause long term disconnection and subsequent separation.
The workplace simply serves in providing a potential source of connections that may have been lost at home but equally if the shift is intentional it can happen anywhere so don’t get too hung up on the threat of a workplace affair.
My next blog is all about Understanding affairs, what do they mean and why do they happen so make sure you subscribe...
Why do we disconnect ?
Its very healthy and natural to disconnect and reconnect with our partners, this is happening on a daily basis and is what allows us to be parents, employers and employees, have interests and spend time with friends, in these times we are engaging in connection with the activity we’re participating in and this is not only healthy but necessary, however there are times when we disconnect and the period of disconnection can start to become destructive to the relationship and this can happen for many different reasons, so lets explore some of the reasons why people do disconnect from partners and fail to reconnect, unfortunately I’m going to start with the “Affair” simply because it is often the elephant in the room and a good one to eliminate as the impact of not knowing can be more destructive than the disconnection itself.
The Affair
When one party has engaged in a relationship, emotionally, physically or intellectually with someone outside of the relationship although they may not have declared this connection to their partner they have created a disconnection in that relationship.
I think there are a variety of reasons why people engage in affairs, for some I think its the arrival of an overwhelming physical attraction that ignites between two people and its almost as if a primal instinct kicks in and the Adrenaline/endorphin rush created by the chase and potential capture of the desired prey becomes disproportionately alluring, this is so particularly so for men who have an in built desire to hunt.
The parties become addicted to the thrill of literally chasing and capturing their prey , its all very animalistic and more often than not based on no more than a sexual attraction.
I think there is also the meeting of minds where people meet and genuinely feel like they’ve found a kindred spirit resulting in a very strong connection that creates a bond between two people and personally I think that this bond is far more dangerous than that of the physical affair as this kind of connection doesn’t tend to subside but often grows stronger and deeper which in turn creates longer periods of disconnection in the relationship.
This relationship doesn’t necessarily have to be a physical one, for some it can develop into an incredibly close friendship but that in itself can cause a great deal of disconnection for those participating as the friendship can start to for fill the emotional needs of the participants which had previously been met by their partners and so the periods of disconnection deepen and lengthens.
I have an over whelming feeling of sadness writing this but there is the affair that is born out of loneliness within an existing relationship, people can think that being in a relationship is the cure for the isolating feeling of loneliness that you can experience as a single person but that’s not always the case, in fact you’ve probably heard the saying that there’s nowhere more lonely than a crowded room and I know that to be very true.
I myself have experienced loneliness within a relationship and the feeling of being with someone physically yet being completely alone emotionally can be a very dark and cold space to reside in.
I think in some relationships when disconnection occurs and reconnection doesn’t take place it leaves both parties incredibly lonely and isolated, within the relationship there is a deep void and for some they can learn to live with this by filling it with other distractions such as work, exercise, food, children etc but for others it can only really be satisfied with human contact and connection.
I remember feeling in the last few months of my marriage like I’d been totally deserted, the silence in the relationship was deafening , it wasn’t what was being said that was the problem but what wasn’t being said.
I needed and wanted to be connected emotionally, physically and intellectually to my partner but he actively disconnect from our relationship and clearly had no desire to reconnect.
I was so lonely in the relationship and whilst I didn’t start by desiring connection outside of the marriage in the end I was desperate for it.
He had denied my basic needs for such a long time the marriage had become irreparably broken down, I later discovered that his disconnection was intentional as he had started a relationship outside of our marriage and was looking to extricate himself from the family unit we had created together in order to pursue his connection elsewhere.
Its unlikely that your partner unless they’re seeking a permanent disconnection from you is going to be truthful about an infidelity.
They may tell you its all in your imagination and to stop being silly and maybe it is but maybe its not, if your partner is not admitting to being unfaithful then they are either not being unfaithful or they are but don’t want the infidelity to affect their relationship with you which I know sounds strange but believe me this happens all the time.
I have known a number of relationships where one partner is actively being unfaithful to their partner yet has absolutely no intention or desire to leave their marriage, its as if they de- compartmentalise their life in order to facilitate their needs regardless of how this may affect their partner.
In creating these inter life compartments it makes it entirely possible for them to live a double life for what can be years. I know of a particular couple where the husband worked away in the week living with his mistress Monday to Friday coming home at weekends to his wife and children and had the audacity to continue to live this life for some years without being caught out, for him it simply became the norm.
In some relationships, I think referred to commonly as open relationships the respective partners have an inclination that their partner has infidelities but is happy to turn a blind eye as long as the infidelity remains unspoken and unseen so its not always black and white, there really are fifty shades of grey in between but whatever the circumstances I don’t believe that having an affair outside of your marriage is healthy for any of the parties involved and for all three members of this triangle their needs are being compromised heavily and that is something that will eventually become the source of a great deal of dissatisfaction and unhappiness for all parties involved.
The Affair at work
It would be true to say that a large proportion of affairs start at work, and its not really any great surprise because after all in today’s society we spend over half of our lives at work, most of our daylight hours are spent in the workplace or working.
It’s when we’re at our brightest, most alert and most productive, the day certainly gets the best of us and therefore so do the people who we surround ourselves with in our workplace.
Yes of course there are plenty of affairs that start outside of the workplace and people meet in a variety of circumstances but why is the workplace such a breeding ground for relationships ? If I had a pound for every time I’ve heard “if he hadn’t of been for that girl or guy at work we’d still be together”
What does the workplace affair really tell us about the status of the relationship that starts within it and is your partner destined to become the proverbial lamb to be slaughtered every time he or she goes into work ?
When a disconnection has occurred in a relationship and has continued for a pre longed longed period of time it is very likely that both parties will be drawn to replace that connection in some other form, its human nature.
For some they replace warmth and kindness with their favourite foods , excitement and thrills with a motorbike or fast sport car but for some they seek to satisfy their lack of connection in the arms of another person and the workplace provides an easy opportunity to find it , especially if there are other individuals in workplace that may be also experiencing similar disconnections within their own relationships.
When we’re in disconnection we tend to be drawn to others who we may know are experiencing similar issues in their relationships, those in the same boat will naturally empathise with each other and that in itself can create a sense of connection.
Years ago when I was newly divorced I started working in an estate agents and very quickly fell head over heels in love with a guy that worked in the office, it felt exciting to be in love with someone that I would see everyday, it made the job more interesting and those sneaky kisses in the coffee room added to the excitement and attraction I was feeling for this particular person.
I was suddenly in the midst of a very addictive and passionate love affair and I can now see in hindsight that what I was then receiving and enjoying in this relationship was the passion and the excitement that I’d lost connection with in my marriage so my desire to reconnect with it was overwhelming !!
What I was clearly doing was trying to recapture the feelings that I’d lost years previously and the workplace simply served as a source of potential donors, there it was on a silver platter, easy peasy !!
The chosen one, my co creator was himself existing in a in a very boring and stale relationship and I think was too looking to recapture a feeling that had been lost or in this case I think never even discovered so we were the perfect people to satisfy each others un met needs. I appeared and all hell broke loose, we were the perfect antidote to each others desire to reconnect with the feelings of excitement and passion that we’d missed so desperately in our respective relationships.
Would I have been interested in him if I’d have met him in a bar one night, no I don’t think I would, I would say working together simply made it a convenient relationship to be in.
Years later and after much soul searching I now realise what would have been healthier and more productive would have been for me to have identified this need in myself to reconnect with these energies and worked on finding a less destructive source because as it was this relationship went on to cause me a lot of heartache as well as the loss of my job in the process.
The relationship didn’t start with desire for the person the relationship started with a desire for a feeling, the desire to reclaim a part of me that was lost and when this relationship finally came to its end I was left where I started, once again desperately craving excitement and passion.
I now see how unhealthy it was to expect that relationship to for fill such an enormous void in my life, its funny I heard or read something recently which said that your life should be your main course and your relationship your desert and I can see that totally makes sense, we can all live without pudding especially if we’re full!
So is the workplace dangerous ? Are you right to be suspicious of your partners friendships with work colleagues?
If you’re partner is secure and honest in their relationship with you and with themselves then they could be surrounded by half of the world’s most gorgeous people and they wouldn’t stray, why ? because they would be emotionally, physically and intellectually connected to their partner and therefore have no lack of connection to try and satisfy with anyone else !!
However what if you think your relationship is secure and he or she says they’re secure but you’re still don’t feel reassured enough to trust that your relationship is safe and you feel working with potentially attractive work colleagues presents an un-necessary temptation ?
If this is of concern then you need to really take some time to explore areas in your partners life or behaviour that may be out of sync with their authentic self, look at all aspects of your relationship as if in your partners shoes for example -
Are they denying or are you denying them connection to their source energy-what they need to survive and thrive ?
(This could be time with their family or friends, time enjoying hobbies or interests, physical contact, mental stimulation, fun, laughter, things that make them smile)
Marriage and relationships are like a garden that needs watering and maintenance ,you need to work at keeping out the weeds, denying yourself or your partner access to their source energy is like pouring poison into the soil and just sitting back and watching it destroy the garden, it can have a very negative impact on the relationship and potentially cause long term disconnection and subsequent separation.
The workplace simply serves in providing a potential source of connections that may have been lost at home but equally if the shift is intentional it can happen anywhere so don’t get too hung up on the threat of a workplace affair.
My next blog is all about Understanding affairs, what do they mean and why do they happen so make sure you subscribe...
