So what do you do about all of this, whatever all of this is ?
When disconnection remains disconnected:
As I briefly explored above there are many reasons that disconnection occurs, unfortunately in some relationships the disconnection comes from a place of intention to disconnect but every set of circumstances is individual and until you know what it is you’re dealing with I would advise you to do the following:
Open up- Sit down and speak face to face with your partner and explain how you feel, avoid making accusations- simply and clearly explain the aspects of their behaviour that have caused you to feel uncomfortable/upset/unsure/insecure etc and then give your partner the opportunity to respond.
At this stage your job is to identify and express how it is you're feeling and then sit and wait for their response, the calmer you are the more clarity you will receive in return and whatever their response is you are best to just listen, allow them to do the talking, it may be nothing, it may be everything but you will find out more just listening so stay calm and LISTEN...
Respond not react- Now this is far easier said than done but if you can respond to what is being said rather than react you will make more progress.
Listen to what it is they are saying , take it in and if you need to go and process this before responding then take that time, just try and avoid a full blown row as that rarely achieves a positive outcome. Whatever the circumstances if you can keep your cool you will not only feel better but also be in a better position to move to the next level of understanding of why this has happened and subsequently find a way forward.
Sticks and stones do break bones and sadly words will always hurt you so be careful here, listen and if what you're hearing is triggering you to feel angry or upset then take some time out, this really is a case of think before you speak. You will thank me for this, the higher ground always has the best view.
Make a plan - So you’ve taken the courage to sit down and try open up communication lines, you’ve listened to what your partner has to say and you now need to discuss how you’re going to move forwards. If you don’t make a commitment to a way forward you must accept that things will remain the same so now is the right time to start to create some positive intentions.
So for example if your partner has been spending all their time working and you’ve been feeling lonely in the relationship its important that you look to find a solution to re balance the dynamic that has been created, this for example is where you can agree that you need to start to schedule time in for each other - you agree there and then to make a commitment to make your relationship more of a priority by spending for example, every Friday evening having a meal together or every Sunday afternoon going for a walk or cycle, it doesn’t really matter what it is as long as you do something you both like together.
Whatever the circumstances there needs to be a plan to move forwards, it doesn’t need to be detailed but it needs to be based on a mutual intention to improve the quality of the relationship or if that’s not desired by either partner then a plan to exit the relationship with hopefully your dignity and bank balance in tact.
Obviously as we talked in an earlier blog about "Affairs" if the declaration is that your partner is leaving the marriage to be with someone else your natural protective instincts will kick in and you may feel like lashing out and that's totally understandable but try and retain the higher ground, the last thing you need is to be carted off in a police car for Assault..
Respond if you can by telling them how they’ve made you feel but avoid if you can screaming obscenities at them and I know that may be a tall order but the calmer and stronger you can be at this point the more control you will have over your emotions and that control at the moment is your internal support system, besides being crazy will simply only serve your partner with another excuse for why they’ve disconnected from you in the first place and you certainly don’t want to be giving them any more ammunition to fire back at you!!
Rage and anger are just as valid as sadness and fear and we should not feel ashamed or powerless by expressing perceived negative emotions but equally you can do this in a controlled and dignified manner, there’s nothing wrong with shouting and being angry if that’s how you feel but try and keep yourself focused on the point it is you feel you need to make, say what you have to say or scream what you have to scream then remove yourself from the situation as soon as physically possible.
DO NOT GIVE YOUR EMOTIONS the remote control on your actions, you must retain control !! You can show disgust, disappointment, anger, frustration without loosing physical control.
The situation may feel out of your control but you’re not !!!!!
Don’t give your power away, you need it more than you’ve ever needed it before, whatever information you are now in the possession of, you now with this power are in the position to make informed decisions about your future and whether that be within this relationship or not you are the master or mistress of your own destiny so be strong and start making plans..