You just need to Survive, but what does that look like ??
So what if you’re thinking, that all sounds good in principle but I haven’t the strength to fight to survive or even commit to it...accept that, its ok..
Accept that you feel a sense of relief at the thought of totally giving in and giving up, just accept it, you're not in the right place to commit to such a longterm action, especially not one with such terminal repercussions so for now just commit to doing nothing !!
If all you do is find a way of getting through the day in this phase then that’s progress, try and see how far you can get through these , if you only manage the first two then you’ll stay alive and at the moment that’s all you need to do, gradually move down through the list until you can see a path leading out of this wood that you’ve been stuck in, see the path and start heading for it.
When you’re really in a dark place you have start with the basics, surviving the day…
- Breathe deeply
- Drink water, drink anything but avoid alcohol if you can
- Eat something, anything but ideally something nutritious
- Talk to someone, anyone (doesn’t have to be about how you feel, could be about anything to anyone but if you can open up to someone even anonymously that would be very cathartic)
- Shower/bath
- Get dressed
- Go outside, even for 5 minutes and get some sunlight
- Write down your thoughts somewhere, journal on paper/notes on your phone or laptop
- You stay here for along as you need to, just doing the above, you may be there for a morning, day, a month or 3 months but commit if you can to just surviving the day, you can build upon this so you get through this period of desperation and despair.
Initially you may not even get as far as getting showered or dressed and that’s perfectly ok but just try and take baby steps, everyday just take baby steps.
Obviously you may have other commitments, work, looking after children, pets etc and to some extent I think we do these things almost on autopilot when our head is elsewhere so continue to honour these commitments if you can but if you don’t feel strong enough then its important that you ask for help, a neighbour to walk the dog, a relative or friend to help with childcare/ school run or food shopping/cooking etc and if work really is a step too far then you can go to your GP and explain how you’re feeling and they will be able to not only recommend counsellors but they may agree to sign you off work for a period of time to allow you to get yourself a bit stronger.
Whatever your circumstances and your commitments you must prioritise your own well being, its a bit like the safety briefing on aircrafts, one should always put on our own oxygen mask before trying to help those around us, you need to be able to care for yourself before you can possibly think about being able to care for others and if in this period of vulnerability you need help then you must ask for it.
When you feel you’re ready to do more, do more but only do what you feel you can, this isn’t an overnight process and its going to take time and commitment.
When you’re functioning daily and honouring your commitments you will start to feel stronger and the wound although visible won’t be quite so raw.
Don’t expect too much of yourself as you may fall into relapse and if you do that’s fine, allow the emotions to come up, you may need to go back to survival mode for a bit but you know you’ll survive because you’ve been here before, its like playing snakes and ladders but you’ll get there- just remember to embrace the emotion, integrate it and then commit to positive intention.
TIPS
A few practical things that I found really helpful, if any of these resonate then give them a go..
- Keep life small and create a protective cocoon that you can retreat to when youre feeling vulnerable, for me its my bed, I have books and journals and aromatherapy oils and when the day is done I retreat to my bed with a cup of tea and indulge myself in self care, for me when times are hard I go into my self care mode, I know that I need to look after my fragile self and I prioritise being kind to myself. I eat good foods and pay extra attention to my well being, lots of sleep and lots of kindness.
- “This works deep sleep pillow mist” is amazing for helping you to get some sleep if you’re struggling www.thisworks.com, they also do a deep sleep night oil which paired with the pillow mist will have you feeling like you’re sleeping on clouds, I personally like this one but there are lots of different brands of pillow mists and relaxing sleep inducing oils and sprays that will be equally effective I’m sure- if this is not for you you’ll have a better chance of getting some sleep if you avoid alcohol and stimulants such a high sugared foods in the four- six hours before you go to bed.
- Write it all down, I’ve written through some of the hardest and testing times of my life and I’ve found it so helpful, its helpful to have your very own safe space to write down all of your thoughts, this diary/journal is a place to rant and say things you may not want to say out loud to a friend or to your partner, its very therapeutic to get this out of you onto paper, if you’re not really a pen and paper kind of person then type it, write it anywhere along as you write it.
- Walking and talking, I love to walk and at the same time talk through what’s going on in my head and heart, sometimes I shout, cry and sometimes I just create a space to allow my inner voice to speak to me. I like to walk in the countryside and have always felt that there’s something very powerful about being outside in nature, it seems to give you a clearer perspective on things, the enormity of the skies and the reality that life is constant changing and moving seems to help rationalise even the most irrational of thoughts. The cleansing and healing properties of being outside preferably amongst nature are so vital for you at the moment so get out there and walk, talking optional.
- Any form of exercise or hobby is great as it provides a distraction, I love painting and did lots of art at school when I was younger but as an adult gave it up in favour of more immediately satisfying pursuits however recently I started painting again, nothing heavy just bought a few cheap canvasses and some paints from a local art shop and went for it, before I realised it I’d spent hours painting away and had failed to think about any of the traumas that were plaguing my normal thought patterns, its the same with any hobby or exercise, it distracts the mind onto something else and any distraction is positive is it gives you a break from yourself, try and dig deep on this one as it may not come to you straight away- what is it that you use to love but stopped doing ? well now is the time to go there, be it, re explore it…
Make some notes on things you may need in your survival kit, if you write it down your strengthening your intention to action it so don’t just read this and think about it, write it down and make it an intention.
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Feelings of relief that its finally over..
I know several clients and friends who have felt complete relief that there marriage has finally broken down beyond repair, they have spent years trying to make it work, seeing therapists, going on save the marriage holidays, having save the marriage babies and then they finally reach a place where they’re completed exhausted their desire and energy to try and fix this insurmountable problem that’s become their marriage.
It’s the sense of relief knowing its finally over, they can finally wave the white flag and say I’m done with this and that’s incredibly empowering for someone who is exhausted by living in desperate emotion.
They finally get their get out of jail card free and they’re going to use it, these feelings can also be paired with feelings of complete emotional and physical exhaustion , even though you have reached some form of resolution and even if this has been what you’ve been wanting for a very long time it can still take some time before you get your mojo back and finally feel like you again.
Don’t panic that after you’ve finally got the resolution that you wanted you are not feeling how you thought you’d feel, its still a huge transition you’re about to make and with that comes apprehension and uncertainty that you’re actually doing the right thing but check in with your instincts and trust them, don’t allow fear to destroy your progress if you’ve finally released yourself from a toxic existence.
When a marriage breaks down its a very painful and the circumstances that have lead to this breakdown may have really taken their toll on your emotional and psychological well being, its an assault course and one that leaves you bereft and exhausted so enjoy the sense of relief but don’t expect too much of yourself.
Those tempted to get straight back in the saddle invariably just rebound from one negative situation to another whether that be by bouncing from one relationship to another or by using unhealthy distractions to mask the emotions they’ve denied.
So at this stage in the game, for whatever reason the relationship as disconnected and you may or may not understand why but the marriage has broken down and the word divorce is looming over you , the question is what should you be doing about it, how does this leave you legally, financially
